Thoughts on Guides to Handling Change

Since moving back to Indonesia, I’ve been confronted with survival guides. Of course, upon hiring me, my company sent me their guide, which was compiled by others before me full of tips on how to not only survive, but also make the most out of my experience.

I didn’t read it. I grew up here.

I’m sure there was still some information which would have been handy, but while I wouldn’t say I hit the ground running upon arrival, I did manage a decent jog. I was lucky that I already had friends here, was familiar with the language, and knew the city a little bit. it struck me even then that if I came straight from Bumfuck, Kentucky that I would have a lot more problems.

I previously had volunteered at a hostel, and a lot of my work there was to be the cool person welcoming them to the location. Before that, I was rather proud of my skills as a tour guide, which included being a cool person welcoming people to the location.

So of course, I was committed to the prospect of welcoming future expat teachers as a cool person welcoming them to the location.

I also discovered that this is far more difficult than it seems, because a lot of it isn’t up to me.

For a start, the person has to want to be here.

More importantly, what I discovered as well is that it depends a lot on where they are in their lives.

It’s an interesting parallel between old school coloninalism and the neo-colonial area that we’re living in that the people who are compelled to leave their homes to go somewhere new can be rather a mixed bag. Some are invited as experts and famous people, but a larger majority have some reason to not stay, and can only see a benefit in leaving.

Upon arrival, the socio-economic disparities in life also influence power dynamics. I’m told by many people that being a white guy here is amazing for your casual dating life, even if you would have been a loser back home.

All this is saying that people who move away from home aren’t necessarily at their best. I wasn’t.

Even so, you can make a guide for moving to Indonesia, but you can’t easily make a guide for surviving the difficulties of early adulthood.

I feel like there’s an underrepresented time of difficulty for people when they adjust from the studying life of university to the working life after it. Indeed, everything that studying has been teaching you about how to live your lifestyle is very different from how you end up living for much of the rest of your life.

Student life is pretty intense. First of all, it has structure, where you apply your effort towards specific goals within a pretedetermined schedule. There are mostly clearly defined standards of success or failure, and many resources to consult if you’re not sure. You’re also surrounded by a social environment to take advantage of, and it makes an active social life very easy to achieve.

When you go out and work, often changing cities to do so, you end up in a new place where you usually don’t know anyone or how things work, with few people to tell you how to help yourself. In addition, the work you do is now endless, without clear achievements or deadlines and very few metrics for success.

All that is difficult even without changing countries.

i feel like maybe I should write a self-help book for this. It would be a lot of setup like this, and explain in long winded terms, basically: you have to make choices for yourself, and they often won’t seem like the best ones but you still have to live with them, but you could probably start by lowering your expectations.

And then go have your Quarter Life Crisis. You could even be like me, and arguably still be living it 10 years later.

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Thoughts on Climate Activism

So it goes without saying that the world is probably doomed as far as long term human life as we know it is concerned. I’m sorry to say it, considering this is where we all live and there’s no foreseeable alternative.

I should establish some groundwork here: there are multiple environmental problems with the world, of which climate change is easily the most existential. It is undeniably caused by human activity in the form of carbon emissions into the atmosphere.

There is very little that we as individuals can do about that in terms of our direct actions. It doesn’t matter how much you change your individual carbon footprint, it matters very little. There’s some argument for aggregate numbers of people changing their behaviour (if everyone does it then it will help), but it’s not that simple because our ability to do so entirely depends on factors like infrastructure and public policy.

Trash is, of course, a huge problem, but not directly in terms of climate change. It affects animals, environmental beauty, habitats, and economies directly. However, its relation to the existential threat of climate change is a bit more nuanced. Plastics are a byproduct of refining oil, and so the reduction of its consumption has an effect that way, but it’s a side-effect of our dependency on carbon fuels. Changing our relationship to single-use plastics and waste is not a bad thing, and animal and habitat rescue is a great thing, but it’s still important to separate it from climate change. Not all environmental issues are made the same, though there’s no rule that says you can’t work on both.

It’s also important to note that for billions of people, plastic enables them to work, live, and provide for their families. Arguing for reduction or behaviour change is easy when you can afford to and have had the education to have options, but not providing some kind of alternative would be just as irresponsible.

Ultimately, making personal choices to limit your carbon footprint and even to limit your single-use plastic consumption suffers from the same problem: it doesn’t actually matter what you do. The desire to pursue individual action is understandable because in the face of such a crisis as climate change we often look to see what we can do ourselves, but ultimately doesn’t actually do much more than just make ourselves feel better.

As mentioned before, what actually does enable change has to come from government policy in the form of carbon taxes, infrastructure, and so on. No other large scale social actor has the power to do so nor the accountability to the desires of ordinary people.

You cannot recycle without the infrastructure to do so. There have been famous recent news reports where recycling actually just gets shipped off to other countries, so out of sight, out of mind.

You cannot reduce carbon fuels without broad infrastructure. Over 90% of carbon emissions come from large scale industry, like coal power plants and so on. It sounds straightforward to replace those with renewables or other alternatives, but the change would be comprehensive, requiring expertise, technology, and long term political will.

While your choice of vehicle can, sure, make some impact, it is very little compared to the industry which produces them, and the infrastructure which enables them. Most people cannot afford to change their means of transportation, and that’s assuming there are public or electric options available. Even a public transportation option might be powered by coal power plants.

If this sounds hopeless, it mostly is. It is not, however, completely hopeless. The desire to make personal life changes to help fight climate change is totally understandable, but honestly, climate change is not your fault. The way we got into this mess is how most of us got educated, lowered death rates, infant mortality, lengthened our life spans, created social and economic opportunities for women and across the world. What is making us better is also what is costing us.

This is what makes political action the most important route to combat climate change. It’s not about your plastic, your light switch, or your car. This is what makes movements like the climate strike and Extinction Rebellion vitally important. Their goal is to effect political change.

It might already be too late, but that doesn’t make the effort not worth trying. While changing your own behaviour might help you feel better, the only real way to help the environment is to make sure the people who actually do have the power to change things will know that it’s important to you.

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Thoughts on this Blog

I’ve been wondering what to do with this page for a while now. I’m sorry for the lack of posts but it basically comes down to not knowing what I wanted to do with what I post here.

As a supposedly struggling comedian I feel obliged to try and make my posts here funny, but the things I generally want to write about are at least thoughtful and probably often just not popular.

Many would probably tell me to just write what I want to write about, but it’s hard not to feel like it’s in dissonance to some sense of progress.

Comedy itself is a struggling kind of career, and like all showbiz it requires perseverance and honest self improvement and the ability to survive disappointment.

Good thing I have practice there.

I suspect many comedians have said that you either have the strength to keep at it or you discover you’re not into it. If you take that in a positive light then you always learn something. In a negative light it can feel like plain old failure. Same old same old.

So in short I apologise for lack of updates here. I even have a bunch of drafts for abandoned post ideas that I half gave up on. They were abandoned as ideas I hadn’t or couldn’t develop or sometimes felt like maybe just no one would care about it anyway so why am I?

I’ll see if I can mix in some more fun into these posts to give them some variety. But no guarantees.

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Thoughts on Living Your Holiday

Years ago, while I was still a student in Zürich, I had a conversation with a guy which has lingered in my brain. We discussed some of my background, with me saying that I spent a couple of years working in the hotel industry and then got out. His next comment was “Oh, so you’ve only been a functioning adult for 2 years.”

The best I can say about this response is that he probably didn’t mean to sound as much like a dick as he did. He was a rather conservative guy for someone several years younger than me, so it makes sense that his definition of functioning adulthood is working a full-time job and paying taxes even though he’d never done any. He had a bit of a talent for pointing out exactly what you might feel insecure about, though.

This is something that’s popped up in my mind now and then ever since. Living in a student WG at my age was, for most people, regressive. “Aren’t you supposed to get your own apartment? Aren’t you supposed to be working full time in order to get that?” I loved my life, but I was never sure if I should. I thought my life there was a bit of a holiday because there I managed to turn my regular life into having the energy of a holiday.

This even got turned up to 11 for my couple of months as a hostel volunteer. I wasn’t living as a normal taxpaying career consumer, but I filled my life with the spontaneity that can only easily come from not being that. Working as a tour guide, and then as a volunteer, gave my life a degree of freedom that was both liberating and worrying. I recently got to revisit one of my hostels for a week, and it was just full of the activity I haven’t been having lately as a full-time teacher.

All this was a rather intense experience. Every day was full of something, and I love the kind of social environment where meeting people is encouraged far more than not.

Generally speaking universities and so on also offer relatively intense social environments, and I’ve often recommended people to take advantage of that because regular adulthood does not make that easier. I’ve met many people who struggle with it afterwards because the contrast is dramatic: you go from living with friends in an environment where you would meet many different people all the time to living on your own working a job where you see the same people at least 5 days per week. Life does not make it immediately obvious how to improve on that either because you are usually on your own.

It was apparent to me while I was living in that WG that I had tapped into an aspect of happiness that society largely disagreed with: Everyone says you’re supposed to get a job and develop your assets in terms of property and savings. Then the idea is that you get married, have some kids, and eventually retire. Ideally, you love that person you marry, and ideally, you enjoy the job you work at.

Let’s be honest though, many people slide into marriage because they dated and it seemed like the next step. Many people get a job that they’re okay with and then just keep doing it for years until leaving isn’t easy anymore. Barring any big life shocks, it’s common to just go from one thing to another because society suggested that it was the next thing you should do.

And maybe that does satisfy you, which is great. I’m willing to bet that many people just do it because it was presented as the next thing to do, though, and the busyness of life keeps them occupied. This is, however, what mid-life crises are made of: reaching your 40s or 50s, maybe when your kids grow up, and realising that maybe you didn’t do what you wanted to do.

I was really affected by my last experience working in the US, and then my time in Penang soon after that. In the US I met lots of Americans who were working the exact same kind of job I was, but were limited by the parochial borders of American society which doesn’t look outside very much. Those without families to support just worked towards their next car, or a bigger apartment. I had the great fortune to live for months with a friend in Penang, and he was also dealing with the lack of the same social environment we had had before. Both these experiences taught me that life had a way of feeling empty without something more to fill it up.

I am, currently, trying the normal thing: I work 5-6 days a week, I rent a studio apartment, and I save money to go on holidays. The stability is great, of course, but I can’t help but find myself chafing a bit at the regularity of it. Sometimes I hear people say what many have said before: “I just came back from my holiday and now it’s back to work, I wish I could be on holiday all the time.”

And sure, bills need to be paid, and for that work must be done. But the way I see it is that you can still make your life more like your holidays if you want to. Insofar as possible, fill your non-work hours with the things you like to do while on holiday. Even if you don’t like your job, you can find something else to bring you joy. If you love your job, even better, but it need not entirely define you as a person.

I think it’s important to recognise your own humanity and individuality because it is your life, no one else will live it for you, so you have to choose how best you want to live it.

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Thoughts on Remembering

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about what makes me who I am, in particular what determines my behaviour. I’ve been through quite a lot, with both a lot of opportunities and just as many disappointments, and often the two are connected. The lesson I learned from my challenges was that while you should try and recognise your problems, you shouldn’t dwell on them. I’ve done a lot of feeling sorry for myself, and some of it is warranted, but sooner or later you have to choose to stand up and get on with things. No one else will. You have to seek out and find what brings you joy, but it has to be a choice and it has to be you. No one can make that decision for you.

I also choose not to dwell on regrets. I believe that the person you are when you make certain decisions makes them determined by all the factors in play at the time: what you knew, how you felt, if you were tired, anything. You can learn and make better decisions by knowing more, but there’s no point in actual regret because you are not the person you were when you made that choice.

I’ve been interested to discover how different friends learn different lessons from some of the same problems. Heartbreak, for example, can really destroy some people. I had a few rough ones, but the lesson I learned is that you can fall in and out of love. There’s no destiny to it. It can still be an emotionally heavy experience and should be, but there are billions of people out there and it’s a little self-centred to believe that none of them would be just as amazing as the last. And you, the different person who got to learn from that experience, can do better for yourself next time.

I had the good fortune to have a few transformative experiences. One was having a great roommate back in 2010. He taught me to ask “Why not?” to any outgoing activity and realise that most reasons you give yourself not to do it don’t really hold up. You’re allowed to be lazy and that’s fine, but you should choose that to be your good reason, or recognise it to be a bad one. This has made me seem really extroverted and outgoing since then, but I assure you it was not always the case.

I’ve been told all this adds up to a relentless optimism which seems in contrast with the sad state of other aspects of my life.

This is a preamble to me wondering about a question a good friend asked me at one point. When I got it confirmed that I was leaving Zürich, it was the latest of a long series of disappointments in my life. All the big things people say that you’re supposed to do, like university, career and family, are all things I have not been successful at. Of course, that doesn’t have to be everyone’s path, but I wasn’t actually against any of it and I tried. And failed a lot. So my friend asked me if I’m dealing with all of it well, because most people would be a lot more affected than I seemed to be. It’s not unheard of to hide these things, after all.

I won’t pretend that I didn’t still dwell on them and that I didn’t have some rough days. I prefer to sleep with white noise, like an audiobook or podcast, because nothing is worse for my sleep than being alone with my worries.

But like I said above: you have to seek out the things that bring you joy. For me, they offset the challenges and disappointments.

Still, her question made me think a lot about my path in life. One reason it was so difficult to leave Zürich was that I’d built such a network and lived there for so long that it was hard to imagine not being a part of their lives anymore. Most of my life since graduating high school has been mobile, so my friends were temporary. Being in touch with them by social media helps, but hard experience has taught me that you’re lucky to see most of them even once or twice ever again. I have had an inconsistent relationship with my family, too. So I try to make the most of the time I have with people that bring me joy.

My ex used to tell me that nostalgia was a useless emotion. This was a mild point of contention between us because I am a rather nostalgic person and she knew it. We looked at things differently. I have never dealt well with leaving a place and people I love. Even when it came to places I didn’t love that much, I still struggled somewhat with leaving.

And I love telling stories. I’ve met many people in my life who are not storytellers, and you can see the difference in conversation. A story is an artificial construct based on your experience, and some people just don’t frame their lives in that way. I’ve always loved telling stories about friends, family, and aspects of my life. I even made a life compilation video, and I did wonder if the act of making it was saying “This was my life, remember me when I’m gone” which is a little morbid, but it came from a place of joy. My nostalgia isn’t motivated by “Look how much better things were back then” but rather “That was a good time and I remember it.”

I realised recently that it’s because it bothers me on some fundamental level that no one else will remember it but me. My ex moved around in her life but always had her family as the centre of it. She doesn’t need to tell stories about friends long past, because her family was there. This isn’t a critique on my family, because every family is different and our dynamic is very much its own complicated thing.

It’s more that just like how no one else can bring you out of a low slump but yourself deciding to, no one else will see all the things you have, do all the things you’ve done, or encounter all the people you have. I think, on some fundamental level, that that is a tragedy.

I’ve been fortunate enough to move countries or cities multiple times in my life, and while it’s an opportunity every time to reinvent yourself for the new environment you’ll be in, you also leave a lot behind. Even if you didn’t like that person you were or that place you lived in, it’s a part of how you became you today. Others may not think that’s important but I do.

I suppose it’s a little existential of me. We only have the time we have here and now in our lives. Each of us is one in billions of other human beings, and we are on a rock floating in a stupendously large universe. Our lives are, in a cosmic sense, infinitesimally small, but they are our lives and that makes them important to us.

It makes them worth remembering because no one else will.

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Rewriting Game of Thrones Season 8

First of all, Season 8 isn’t finished at the time of this writing. I’ve been dwelling on this since I have to say I’ve been increasingly disappointed with the way the show has been written. It’s not unusual to say that once the show ran out of book material to base itself on, the writing took a rather dramatic shift. In general, the books and the early seasons of the show focused on strong characters and interesting politics. The first season didn’t have much spectacle at all, and was mostly characters talking to each other. The last few seasons seem to gloss over character moments in favour of spectacle.

Similarly, the early seasons (and the books) focus on a degree of realism within its universe. Characters who don’t adapt and play the game with intelligence and pragmatism tend to die. The show educates you for 5 seasons about how this is not your typical fantasy story with invulnerable heroes, and that the characters you think of as evil seem to have the advantages. The last few seasons seems to recognise, instead, that we like these characters so we should keep them around even when they don’t serve any more narrative purpose.

Season 8 so far has been pretty mixed for me. I appreciate the filmmaking craft involved and I think it has delivered some great character interaction moments, but overall it’s a bit lacking. In particular, the show seems to break what I’d like to call the Stone/Parker rule of storytelling: rather than writing “A and then B and then C and then D” you should be writing “A happens, therefore B, but C happens, therefore D.”

Moreover, I feel like this last season, the conclusion to the entire story, fails to capture the whole theme of the story being told. I can’t say more without going into spoilers though.

Continue reading

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Thoughts on Teaching

It’s been a while since I’ve written an update, so here we go.

Before I arrived back in Jakarta, my company offered to find me accommodation, and I asked for a Kos Kosan. Basically this means shared cheap housing. My concept of it was shaped by my long experience with Wohngemeinde (WGs) in Zürich, in that case a shared apartment. In Europe this typically means a multiple room apartment where you share common areas in a kitchen, living room, possibly bathroom. I had a great social atmosphere with them in Zürich and generally aspired to be able to have the same.

I think it works differently here though. There’s some variety, but in my case it was a room with a private bathroom, but no shared space. The way it was built was more like the house had been built with servants quarters in mind, but since the owner didn’t employ any servants to live in the house, he might as well rent out the rooms.

The location being close to work was great, but I decided that since I wasn’t getting the social benefit of shared housing I might as well aim for comfort, and found myself a studio apartment. This was a lot easier after acclimatising a little more to Jakarta and how things work, as well as getting a better idea of the geography of the city and what would be a reasonable distance from work, especially factoring traffic in.

I also feel like I’ve settled into teaching somewhat. I have a few classes of my own now which are my responsibility and they vary. One is a class of 6-8 year olds, and they’re adorable, but also kind of difficult. Kids at this age are easily distracted, and my class has both strong and weak students. This makes it difficult because strong students tend to finish their work early, and then can get bored or start distracting other students, while you don’t quite have the time to give weaker students the attention they need. It’s a dilemma to deal with. It’s easy to tell parents that their child is too smart and should go up a level, but not so much the other.

I have some older students in the 13-16 age range, and some of them are great and talkative. I have one class where I know a few of them would have things to say, but they don’t want to be the first ones to say something so they just all stay quiet. Oh teenagers.

While I was volunteering at hostels, I met a lot of teachers in other places, and some of them told me that the job can sometimes just be an excuse for a local company to show off that they have a white person working for them. I was told that in Vietnam or China this can be particularly egregious, with them also disregarding, say, Asian-Americans, who are fluent in English but just don’t look right. The quality of the school or company can vary a lot too, depending on their priorities. Sometimes people get hired even if English is a second language to them as well, but they’re still white, even if they come from Ukraine or somewhere else.

In my experience here in Indonesia, it’s not bad. I have classes where I make the plan and I do the teaching, and I have classes where I co-teach with someone else. Ideally, what the students benefit from is being able to interact with a native speaker who can also bring an outside cultural experience. Indeed, some parents insist on that being a selling point for them to send their kids to these classes. We have a minimum number of hours we officially have to be teaching in to fulfil requirements, which is typical bureaucratic stuff, and you don’t always have a class to assign, so you sometimes end up feeling like an unnecessary second teacher in a class. I don’t consider this to be the same problem as teachers in other countries had suggested though. You have to be teaching a certain amount per week, and it won’t always be useful time. Welcome to any workplace, after all, not all working hours are productive ones. Especially with smaller children too, in a bigger class, the second pair of hands and eyes can be very useful.

My initial worry upon arriving was that I haven’t had much experience working with kids and it was the most intimidating part of it. I’m still learning, but I think I’ve gotten into a bit of a groove. I like my younger students and sometimes I wish I could just play around with them, but teaching is important. The teenagers tell me that our classes are harder than what they do in high school, so it’s worthwhile work. It’s sometimes difficult to limit my desire to talk about what I’m interested in though. This was a point that I could revel in as a tour guide, but kids lack the mental space to learn quickly, and teens often don’t have the experience to put it into context and understanding.

I’ll always remember marking one short essay though, where the question was about describing a big challenge in their lives. Most of them, coming from middle-class families and only having experienced school, wrote about big exams they had a lot of pressure to pass. One, however, wrote about how starting the last years of her high school emphasised that pressure because everyone around her was saying that her life and future would be decided with everything she did. It wasn’t talking about a particular exam, or conquering stage fright to give a presentation, but the pressure of academic achievement and competition. My heart went out to her, because girl, that isn’t going away anytime soon.

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